Lucille: I've done everything I can. I even tried to convince them he's [Buster] gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.
Michael: Well you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits until he was twelve.
Lucille: Michael, I was almost attacked last night in my own home! I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen!
Michael: Colored? What color was he, exactly?
Lucille: (holding her rape horn in one hand and a fireplace poker in the other) But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back. First I blow him, then I poke him.
Michael: Guy has no idea what he's in for.
Lucille: Michael, a mother doesn't have a child to give herself company. Annyong was to teach Buster a lesson.
Michael: And where is that little lesson?
Lucille: I sent him to the Milford Academy to teach him a lesson. I can't remember about what.
Lucille: You smell like a pine cone.
George Sr.: (disguised as Oscar) Yeah, that's the weed. I went to my, uh, *BEEP*hole trailer and, uh, I smoked some... Like a cigarette.
Lucille: It's so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant. The doctor said I couldn't be a mother now if I tried.
Michael: And that was without even interviewing me.
(to Oscar, who's standing naked with his robe open) Oscar, close it! You look like the window of a butcher shop.
Michael: We have a private eye, huh?
Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.
Michael: Well, he can't be very good then.
Lucille: (presenting Buster with a gift) A camcorder. That's so you can videotape it when they put you in a naked pyramid and point to your Charlie Browns.
Buster: I ought to point to Uncle Oscar's Charlie Browns next time you're on top of him, Mother.
Lucille: You see how he treats me just because he thinks I'm having an affair with the boy's uncle?
Buster: They're taking me in the army. They didn't think there was enough wrong with me.
Lucille: Well, did they check everything?
Buster: Yes! They even touched my Charlie Browns.
Lucille: It's not fair to Buster. He's a nervous wreck right now. He's going into the Army, for God's sake.
Michael: You volunteered him.
Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.
Michael: (to Gob) Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.