I know what sex is, it's when a man and a woman take off their underwear and get into bed.

Whatever they were doing, Dad was winning.

I think we should drag him out of his car and punch him in the stomach until he barfs.

Luke: Here's something I didn't know about mannequins: They don't have a wiener.

Luke: Dad's like crazy fun, but you're nice.
Claire: I'm nice?!?
Luke: Well, not now.

I think I found a place where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?

Luke: Is that Mom's apron?
Phil: It's an apron.

Luke: I've heard The Jonas Brothers get nervous before every show.
Phil: Not Kevin.
Luke: Especially Kevin!

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down.

Phil: Wow, this place has really changed. Time marches on, huh? See that Starbucks down there, you know what that used to be?
Luke: An orange grove?
Phil: No, a Burger King. You can still see some of the architecture.

My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said