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Charlie's Mom: I don't like this speech. The speech is too graphic.
Mac: It needs to be graphic to get their attention! (to Charlie) This bitch is driving me crazy.

Charlie's Mom: I feel like I'm lying.
Mac: You're not lying, Mrs. Kelly. You're really dying of cancer.
Artemis: It's devouring your insides, but we need it to look like it's devouring your outsides so it plays better for our audience (winks at Charlie and Mac).

Mac: It's the Holy Trinity: Beef and beer and Jesus.

Charlie: Where's your mom going?
Mac: Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

Mac: I picture anything but black.
Dr. Jinx: Didn't you ever watch The Cosby Show when you were comin' up?
Mac: Oh, no. My parents would never allow anything like that.

Dennis: Yeah, I gotta say - this is a strange place for a doctor's office. What's this guy's name?
Mac: Dr. Jinx.
Dennis: Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

Therapist: So, you prefer to be scary?
Mac: Yeah! I was big as a skyscraper now I'm as tiny as a postage stamp. (sees pen on table, picks it up) Oh. I get it. Cute. You leave this pen here and people are supposed think, 'That looks like a dick.' (stares at it for long time)

Mac: I gained and lost 60 pounds in 3 months.
Therapist: That's almost impossible.
Mac: Well, through God all things are possible, so jot that down.

Frank: (*after a bat bites him*) I just got tagged by a bat! I got tagged! Suck out the poison, Dee! I'll give you $200 if you suck it out.
(*Dee sucks on Frank's head*)
Frank: Suck it harder!
Mac: Did you swallow it?!
Dee: Yeah, I swallowed it.
Mac: Make yourself throw up!
Charlie: You swallowed the poison!
Dennis: Bats don't have poison!

Let's pull up our bootstraps, oil up a couple asses, and do a little plowing of our own. POW! (gestures a fist punch up an invisible ass)... Not gay sex.

Mac: Frank, where are you? You sound strained.
Frank: I'm stuck in a window over at Pop-Pop's house.

Charlie [Mac has joined Charlie eating disgusting old soup]: This is
why we work well together, ya know? You see free soup, you make a
decision to eat it.
Mac: It's horrible.
Charlie: It's terrible soup, but we have to stick to our decisions, right?
Mac: Yeah I can't go back on it now.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 146 in total

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?

Mac

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Principal: And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?
Charlie: Substitute janitor.

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