I've seen the kid do a pull-up.

The universe is cold and loveless.

He has a natural confidence. I admire it and fear it.

She can't take criticism about her driving. Once an old lady yelled at her at a crosswalk, she honked so long, the horn ran out.

Her name is Whitney. I met her in the online book club. We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

[Jay and Manny watching Miracle on 34th Street]
Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.

Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up til morning.
Jay: I'm sure they do, but if you notice from the absence of goats in the streets, we're not in Colombia.

Gloria: So take back your sword and go fight this sword like a bull!
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: I can't hear you.
Manny: Okay!
Jay: I can't hear you!
Manny: That's really as loud as I can go.

Manny: How's my hair?
Jay: Hold on, what are you wearing there? That looks like an old Christmas tree skirt
Manny: It's a traditional Colombian pioncho, I want my new classmates to know I'm proud of my heritage
Gloria: I think you look very handsome, lindo!
Jay: Oh really? Am I driving him to school or is he gonna ride his burro?

Jay: I don't like watching football with people that don't care about the game, they talk
Manny: You talk during my football games
Jay: For one thing it's called soccer and your team scored two goals all season, I'm not risking much

Modern Family Quotes

You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but only I can make her laugh.

Phil

I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?

Phil