Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!

Lily: Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes, I am.
Lily: Awww. Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows

Hey, where the hell is my...oh! OK. Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923 is not a coaster! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw, not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not even going to show up. I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin? [turns around and sees Robin] Hi. Hi, Robin

Ted: Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall: Dude, you're talking to The Kid. I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna write a 25-page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Older Ted: He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good

Lily: Hey I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. Me beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: (Stops working and looks at Lily) No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted: Guys. Boundaries

Marshall: Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted and Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall

Marshall: So, Gatsby, what are you going to do when Robin shows up?
Ted: OK, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these "Hey, what's up?" She says "Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera." And then I say "Well, make yourself at home" and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here," I say, like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"

Ted: She didn't even give me the signal!
Barney: What, is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code? [bats eyes] Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Ted: Not if you don't get the signal!
[Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall]
Barney: Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall: No! [to Lily] I didn't, I swear!

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