Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot. Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE!

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!

My sperm is fine!

All hail Beercules!

Marshall: Oh you're wearing a flower.
Barney: Thank You!
Marshall: I didn't compliment, just observed.

Marshall: You got nothing on me.
Barney: The calzone?
Marshall: Checkmate.

Marshall: We slept for 18 hours.
Lily: We lost four pre-paid meals.
Marshall: I lost 11 pounds.

When you walk through the door, does it feel like you are being slapped in the face by Christmas?

Marshall: Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't want to kiss you because you'd pass right through her and get really cold for a second. Oh my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.
Ted: Marshall, she was not a ghost.
Marshall: I know she wasn't a ghost. She picked up a bouquet proving she had corporeal form

Marshall: Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?
Lily [into phone]: Hi, Marshall, it's Lily, we're not gonna have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. OK, bye-bye

Baby you're like twenty slutty chicks rolled into one.

HIMYM Quotes

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney