Machines are overrated and someone needs to take them down a peg.

How can you be a New Yorker and never have seen Woody Allen?

You cant let fear steal your funk. That is good, there's a song in there. Excuse me.

Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?

No Santa needs protein.

Lily: Then there's the most popular parental lie in history: Santa.
Marshall: But that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.

James: When is the last time you saw a diaper poking out of a Dolce and Gabbana suit?
Marshall: Tuesday at work, some of the senior partners are really getting up there.

Lily: I could totally let you down. Has that thought not occurred to you?
Marshall: Not even for one second. Not having a baby would suck, but the idea of you letting me down, that's impossible. That would be like aliens landing. That's a bad example.

Lily: Why don't you have a baby with your dad?
Marshall: OK Lilly, why don't you have a baby with your butt?
Lily: What?
Marshall: I can't think straight! Why did you have to wear that shirt?

So he gets no notice, he just walks into his boss's office and says to his boss, "I just had a grandson and I'm going to be out for three months."

Lily: Whoa, wait. A big package just arrived.
Marshall: Yeah it did!
Lily: No it's a real package, from your dad.
Marshall: Well that's a little weird, but yeah it is!

Marshall: Let's go through the checklist...candles?
Lily: Check.
Marshall: Music to set the mood?
Lily: Check.
Marshall: Music for when we're actually doing it?

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.