Ted: Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?
Marshall: Men! It's like if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?
Lily: MmHm.

Ted: Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.
Marshall: Oh oh honey sweetie baby. No thirty-two year old woman is happy taking things slow. Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school posting pictures of second babies on Facebook and you think girlfriend's all like, oh lets just bone a bunch so I'm another year older and still single? Bitch please!

You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Does anyone have six 9-volt batteries?

Lily: What are you bitches doing here?
Marshall: Lily!
Lily: Oh he's napping.

Lily: Marahall this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.
Marshall: I didn't put the bread in there, you didn't put the bread in there!

Lily lika lika, the honka honka.

We got a ten!

He is the manager of the Paramus Waldorf. You come to Paramus, we will hook you up!

All hail Beercules!

Marshall: Excuse me miss, when you get the chance can you bring me 100 shots of tequila please?
Barney: I'll have the same

Barney: The truth is I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.
Marshall: That movie only came out two years ago.
Barney: What movie?

HIMYM Quotes

Ted [to Stella in his dream encounter]: You picked the wrong guy.
Stella: Ted?
Ted: You picked the wrong guy. You made a really, really, really bad choice. What were you thinking? That guy? Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last eight years? You're just gonna regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it because it's too late. All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be nearly as happy as the one you could have had with me. Good-bye.
Stella: Ted, wait.
Ted: Look, Stella, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to know that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life.
Stella: I know

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney