Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

The only person who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!

Lily: You're drinking for two tonight baby.
Marshall: I will do this, for the child.

Can I borrow an adult diaper?

A man can do a lot of living in three hours.

I don't know, homegirl is pretty diabolical.

Ted: How's the open marriage going? Who was the first to get to five numbers?
Lily: I won that race. My prize, sex in the bathroom.
Marshall: And I won that race!

Marshall: Game on! If I can score five numbers before you can, then we have sex in the bathroom but, if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sex in the bathroom.
Lily: So our usual wager. Deal!

No Barney, I'm never going to talk to my dad again.

Lily, at our apartment, you're the one who pees on the floor.

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