Mayor: Come on, people! We've got to turn this place around! Hang up those lights, put up that banner, castrate the cows!
Cows: Moo?!

Mayor McDaniels: Kathie Lee Gifford loves kids.
Mayor's assistant: When they're in a sweatshop that is!

Mayor: Kathy Lee Gifford in South Park. This is our chance to make a name for ourselves: to prove that we're not just some piss-ant, white bread, mountain town.

Assistant Johnson: Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.
Mayor McDaniels: My geologist? Now? Tell him that the infection is fine and that I don't need another check up.
Johnson: No, mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the Earth.
Mayor McDaniels: Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect! I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!
Johnson: I'm not in your office, mayor. I'm talking to you through a speaker.
Mayor McDaniels: Just send in the geometrist!
Johnson: Geologist.
Mayor McDaniels: You are fired, buddy!
Johnson: Thank you, mayor. It's been great working for you.

Randy Marsh: I think I'm getting that stomach flu you gave me.
Mr. Garrison: It's that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.
(the mayor exits the porta-potty)
Randy: Hey, mayor. Were you making gravy in there?
Mayor: I just gave birth to a brown baby boy.

Mayor McDaniels: Are there any questions?
(Mr. Garrison raises hand)
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Mayor McDaniels: No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison: Rats...

Mayor's Aide: Mayor! Barbra Streisand's attacking the town!
Mayor: I heard! Call the National Guard! (to herself) We'll get you, you bitch! And to think, I actually watched your HBO special!

Mayor McDaniels: Well, how's the reading coming along?
Officer Barbrady: (wringing his hands) Oooh, pretty good.
Mayor McDaniels: Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenf(beep)ker struck again last night.
Kyle: Oh no!
Officer Barbrady: Ah mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chickenlover.

Director: Lets play the Stars and Stripes. 1-2-3
(the kids play horribly)
Mayor: What the hell is that!?
Assistant: I think it's the stars and stripes.

Jimbo: What's all the ruckus over there?
Mayor: Sounds like somebody declared shenanigans.
Jimbo: Oh, hell, I have to run home and grab my broom!

Mayor: Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Sid Greenfield: Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.
Cameraman: It is?

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: Hmmm. That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that, with thinking.

South Park Quotes

(Pulls out an automatic) Hello girls! I'm the easter bunny!

Janet Reno

Chinpokomon Executive: You are American.
South Park Toy Store Owner: Yes.
Chinpokomon Executive: Ohhh, you must have very big penis!
South Park Toy Store Owner: Excuse me, I was just asking you what your up to with these toys.
Chinpokomon Executive: Nothing, we are very simple people with very small penis. Mr. Hosik's penis is especially small!
Mr. Hosik: So small.
Chinpokomon Executive: We cannot achieve so much with such small penis, but you American wow, penis so big, so big penis!
South Park Toy Store Owner: Well aah I guess it is pretty good size.