Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Lois: I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.
Meg: What's Whitesnake?
Lois: That's the music mommies and daddies listen to

Meg: Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret!
Brian: Here's a hint: Put down the fork!

Meg: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois: I hope so Meg, I really do
Peter: It's not, Lois.... it's not

Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I've got stuff to do.
Lois: Meg, we all know you don't have stuff to do

Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?

Chris: Okay, Meg. I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not kitty. Can you guess what it is?
Meg: Is it kitty?
Chris: Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head?

Meg: That's it, I want those cameras off!
Chris: Fourth wall, You're breaking the fourth wall!

Lois: Meg, Could you please change Stewie for me?
Meg: Fine. But if a boy calls, please don't tell them I'm wrist deep in poopy

Meg: I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch

Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big christmas toy gets a huge bonus!
Chris: Why don't you invent the frisbee, dad? That's an awesome toy!
Meg: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I've never heard of it?

Peter: Look I've had a good life and you can always be proud of your father in all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 138 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley