They stole all my pens! I...I don't have a lot of stuff.

Chris: I have an itch!
Meg: I don't care! Dead people don't scratch their balls!

Meg: Alright Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Peter: Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra, my boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

Coroner: Meg, I'm needed upstairs, so I'll let you finish up. Just put some blush here and here, it makes the eyes look a little less dead and hollow.
Meg: Wow, that really works! Maybe I'll try that on myself!
Coroner: Oh, uh, you have what we call a 'closed casket' face.

Peter: Shut up, Meg!
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Dad!
Brian: You're back!
Meg: [dejectedly] Yay.

Meg: Now, here's my post office key. I need you to go downtown, and get the stuff from my P.O. box.
Chris: You don't get your mail here?
Meg: No. I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands.
Chris: Like what?
Meg: Like, I'm part of a group that trashes Anne Frank's house every year.

Meg: How about I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money if you promise to do what I say.
Chris: Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.

Meg: Well, well, well. Who do we have here?
Chris: It's me, Chris. You know me. Why are you talking like a bad guy?

Meg: Ahhhhh! Oh my God! Tobey, what happened?
Tobey: Oh, I just harvested your kidney.
Meg: Look at the size of this scar!
Tobey: Sorry, it's my first day on this job.
Meg: Well, where did you work before?
Tobey: Circuit City. So, I haven't worked in like two years.

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!

Meg: I totally hit it off with this great guy on the internet and we're finally gonna meet!
Stewie: Okay, remember to ask questions about him. Seem interested. Listen. Giggle. Swallow.

Meg: But Dad, I still don't understand that whole Immaculate Conception thing. How can anyone get pregnant without having sex?
Peter: Oh, there's lots of stories of that, Meg. Cleveland's got a cousin who had 8 girlfriends get pregnant, and he says he's not responsible for a single one.

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.