Meg: I can only imaging what it was like for them on that very first Christmas.
Brian: Yeah, it was probably very moving. And fictional.
Stewie: Jesus lived with us for like a week, what else do you need?

Meg: Oh my god that's so disturbing.
Chris: I know, gross!
Brian: Yeah, my hearing's a lot better so I hear like, suction and stuff.

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

What's going on, Mom's acting interesting like a 20-year-old!

Kent: Meg, please stop, I know your heart's in the right place, but...
Meg: Actually, it's not. It's a serious medical condition.
Dr. Hartman: [in flashback] Yeah, that's not supposed to be there, so she should always probably wear a hat.

Oh, I can't believe it! I'm going out on a date with Kent Lastname!

Meg: Hey Kent, it's Meg. From English class?
Kent: Uh...
Meg: And math class? And bio? And the Facebook campaign to get me to kill myself?
Kent: Oh, Meg! Hey, what's up?

There he is, the reason my bedpost is so shiny!

Meg: Oh, he's so cute!
Stewie: Oh my god, we're getting closer to the beginning! You're Lacey Chabert!

Meg: Now my Spanish teacher and I can finally hold hands in the halls!
Spanish Teacher: Donde esta la biblioteca? Because I'm gonna bang you in the biblioteca.

Ruth: Hey, you wanna dance around like morons to loud music?
Meg: I'll be right back! I've been holding in a dump since America.

Meg: "Hey, when you get sexually abused in a coma, do you know it's happening and can't do anything about it, or do you just not know what's going on?"
Quagmire: "I also am curious about that."

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie.