Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Meg: Brian! Chris picked his nose, and now he keeps touching me with finger!
Chris: What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat
Chris: I want a new hat
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around! It's painful!
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Lois: So Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?
Meg: Mom! Come one Jeff, let's go in other room.
Lois: Now Meg, no need to get so testes, uh testy. Nuts, I mean crap!

Meg: I'm sure the money clip will be safe in my room.
Stewie: I'm sure it will be lost throughout the pictures of Justin Timberlake or Tom Cruise or ... blast, who the devil do teenagers like ... or Morgan Freeman

Meg: Oh, my God!
Mr. Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No, no he's just awkwardly positioning himself--oh now he's violating Seabreeze

The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold. And it's ugly. And it's surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. Wait a minute, that's not the moon! It's Neil Goldman's face!

Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom! Chris put his foot on my side again!
Chris: I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.
Meg: Move it!
Stewie: Meg, stop your whining. Chris, stay on your own side. Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

Lois: If you kids don't knock it off, we're not goin' to McDonald's after church.
Meg and Chris: MOM!
Peter: Don't worry. We're goin'. B-B-But you don't get the Supersize.
Chris: OH!
Peter: Okay, you can Supersize. But no apple pie!
Meg: Oh, come on!
Peter: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it

[Meg and Chris are raking leaves]
Chris: Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine.
Meg: What?
Chris: That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy's the messy one. Fred's very neat. And when you get them together, whoa! Hold onto your sides!
Meg: Nice to meet you both.
[Meg picks up the leaves and rubs them together]
Chris: Murderer!
[Chris chases after Meg and they get caught by Lois]
Lois: Stop it! Both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other.
[Lois makes them hug]
Lois: Now stay that way!
Chris: It's gonna be weird to potty

Brian: What about the "writing angry letters and not sending them" exercise?
Peter: Aw geez, I wasn't supposed to send those?
Meg: Look, I got a letter from dad! Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat. Dad!
Stewie: Dear Stewie, get out. Oh, that's nice.
Lois: Mine just says Dear Lois, and after that it looks like someone just spit on the paper

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 137 in total