Maeby: Don't you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him.
George Michael: Well, I think even the anti-drug people are going to be okay with that.

Michael: It's been a week, nothing's happened.
Larry, the Surrogate: Yeah, but you're not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
Michael: Oh yeah, that's my father. That's why we're having the meeting here, so he couldn't interfere.
Larry, the Surrogate: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?

Michael: You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey, that's the name of the show.

Michael: The feeling that you're feeling is what many of us call...a feeling.
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite. It's like my heart is getting hard.

Michael: Pre-schools just go half-day, right? And I'm not trying to pick you up, but is there any way that I can, I can come by, pick you up, and bring you here?
Rita: Yeah, I, um, I suppose I could sneak out at nap time.
Michael: Yes? Perfect, great. And I shall drop you off alive, hooker or no. (mouths 'What is wrong with me?' as he walks off)

Michael: I -- I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me? I -- I will pay you.
Rita: ... You'll pay me?
Michael: Not ... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes, or ...
Rita: I'm not a prostitute.
Michael: And I shall let you live ... haha. This is my worst hello.

Michael: I'm amazed Dad hasn't strangled himself with his belt yet.
Lucille: Oh, we're into all kinds of freaky stuff.
Michael: Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

Lucille: He's just jealous that I have a man back in my life. And guess what else is back?
Michael: My breakfast?
Lucille: My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.
Michael: No, it's my breakfast.

George Michael: I'm just in the middle of a stupid girl problem. That's all.
Michael: I don't even have a girl, much less a stupid one.
George Michael: No, the problem is stupid; the girl isn't stupid.
Narrator: But if they ever had a child, it would be. Because the girl was his cousin Maeby.

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