Michael: Don't tell me he's not in Iraq.
Wayne: Oh, no, he is. In fact, he is on the news right now. Turn the TV!
Man on the news: Coming up next: Are bees better at sniffing out drugs than dogs?
Wayne: I'm sure it's coming right up. You see, they won't take all day. (Minutes later, and still not on) I bet it's after these unserious ads. It's like they're always there when I turn the TV on.
Cho: Why don't we go online?
Wayne: Cool your Japanese jets. This is just go -- Uh, it's on!

Michael: So, there's going to be wine at the rehab, huh?
Lindsay: Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit.
Michael: (to Lucille) How do you come up with these?

Lindsay: Well, why don't you just go to Dad and ask him who Nellie is, point-blank?
Michael: So, he can just cover it up and lie? I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias: Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: Ok, but that's the last one.

Lucille: Michael. What a surprise.
Michael: Really? Were you expecting somebody else? Maybe, uh, one of your two daughters?
Lucille: Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit.

Michael: Gob, listen. Can I ask you a question? Do you remember growing up with a sister?
Gob: Sister? Uh ... No, I don't. Not really ... ringing any bells.
Michael: Other than Lindsay, of course.
Gob: Oh! Lindsay!
Michael: Well, you might not be the most reputable source on this.

Tobias: I find myself attracted to someone who is not my wife.
Michael: What's her name?
Tobias: Michael. ... Can you believe it?

Michael: That might be an older sister that we've never met.
Lindsay: Wow! Look at the beak on that bird.

Lindsay: Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of "won'ts."
Tobias: Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list is of "can'ts."
Michael: Marital love can be so romantic.

(into the phone) Really? And all the guys like her, huh? That is - that is - that is great. Uh, you mean "away," though, right? Because, otherwise, it sounds a little different, but, uh, that's, uh, that's outstanding. You forgot to say "away" again. But listen, let me call you back in a bit, ok? Bye. (to Lindsay) Nellie has blown them all away.

Michael: Even if we're not related, I think I would like for you to work here. You're very, very good at it. What you do for a job is not really a great way to make a living, you know?
Nellie: I make 300 grand a year.
Michael: Marry me. It's weird on so many levels.

Michael: You know, Gob, this might be that sign from God that you should change your ways.
Gob: No, I think that's going to be something big.

Tobias: Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.
Michael: You can just say intercourse.

Arrested Development Quotes

Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... Wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.