Michael: This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: When I retire, I - I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But - it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words "you're fired." "You're fired." Oh, "you're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be "you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Meredith: [reading birthday card] This one's from Michael, "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're old.
Meredith: I get it.
Michael: Meredith is so old...(how old is she?) Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called she wants her age back and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced what, twice?
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made. And I'm having an unbelievably busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer.
Michael: Yeesh!
Jim: Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness... openmindedness, is that a word? Um... into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He's gonna lose it when he reads that.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go!
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 806
