Cam: I hate your beard.
Mitchell: Wow, you had that bullet in the chamber.

Where was all this conscience when I got us into the first-class lounge in the airport and you chewed Angela Lansbury's ear off?

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

If we're found dressed like this, it won't look good for the gays.

He's managed to make a gay couple hate brunch.

Mitchell: Nobody kisses at a bowling alley!
Cam: I almost got a turkey!

Don't carry me out this time, I think it sends the wrong message to Lily.

I know I'm not the handiest guy, but I'm still a man and I want to be able to look out into my yard and say, 'There's a little bit of me in that princess castle.

Mitchell: Aren't you going to change into a working man's outfit?
Cameron: I don't think workmen really call them outfits.

Mitchell: Why did you dress her in jungle print?
Cam: Because I thought it would be cute!
Mitchell: She's going to think she's back in Vietnam!

Sweet Lady Gaga... that is good.

Cam: People always say I scream Hawaii.
Mitchell: Who says that?
Cam: People...
Mitchell: What people?
Cam: ...You don't know them.