Jerry: Where did she come from?
Mitchell: Because she doesn't look like us? That’s offensive.

Mitchell: Hey, Best Man.
Claire: Hello, blushing bride.
Mitchell: I feel like I should hate that more.

Mitchell: Why don't we put Lily in one of Alex's shirts for the picture tonight?
Cam: She'll see right through that.
Mitchell: No you're thinking of Haley's shirts.

Mitchell: I'm so nervous. Are we gonna say Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?
Cam: Oh my God, it's so big.
Mitchell: That's a bit direct but you know he might be flattered- oh you're talking about the boat.

Mitchell: What's happening?
Cam: I don't know Google him.
Mitchell: I didn't spring for an international data plan.

Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thanks.

Cam: Hey we got a package from my dad!
Mitchell: No air holes in the box, that's a good sign.
Cam: Lily loved having that chicken.
Mitchell: One more time than she realized.

We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.

Cam: Do you feel what's happening here?
Mitchell: I feel pinching!
Cam: I'm the weak link in the super-group.

Mitchell: You know I'm surprised this particular foursome doesn't hang out more, considering...
Alex: We're the cultured ones in this family?

Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch a bunch of guys run around in shorts.

Mitchell: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Cam: Well you did and do you know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.
Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.