Jerry: Where did she come from?
Mitchell: Because she doesn't look like us? That’s offensive.

Mitchell: Hey, Best Man.
Claire: Hello, blushing bride.
Mitchell: I feel like I should hate that more.

Mitchell: Why don't we put Lily in one of Alex's shirts for the picture tonight?
Cam: She'll see right through that.
Mitchell: No you're thinking of Haley's shirts.

Mitchell: I'm so nervous. Are we gonna say Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?
Cam: Oh my God, it's so big.
Mitchell: That's a bit direct but you know he might be flattered- oh you're talking about the boat.

Mitchell: What's happening?
Cam: I don't know Google him.
Mitchell: I didn't spring for an international data plan.

Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thanks.

Cam: Hey we got a package from my dad!
Mitchell: No air holes in the box, that's a good sign.
Cam: Lily loved having that chicken.
Mitchell: One more time than she realized.

We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.

Cam: Do you feel what's happening here?
Mitchell: I feel pinching!
Cam: I'm the weak link in the super-group.

Mitchell: You know I'm surprised this particular foursome doesn't hang out more, considering...
Alex: We're the cultured ones in this family?

Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch a bunch of guys run around in shorts.

Mitchell: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Cam: Well you did and do you know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.