Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thanks.

Cam: Hey we got a package from my dad!
Mitchell: No air holes in the box, that's a good sign.
Cam: Lily loved having that chicken.
Mitchell: One more time than she realized.

We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.

Cam: Do you feel what's happening here?
Mitchell: I feel pinching!
Cam: I'm the weak link in the super-group.

Mitchell: You know I'm surprised this particular foursome doesn't hang out more, considering...
Alex: We're the cultured ones in this family?

Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch a bunch of guys run around in shorts.

Mitchell: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Cam: Well you did and do you know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.

Oh please. He slips in and out of that accent like Kate Winslet in Titanic.

Haley: You’re super green!
Mitchell: I know! I’m recycling a dollhouse, I recycled a child.

I'm not having a wedding slash Hunger Games themed sweet sixteen part- oh you're tapping your fingers. You really do have a plan.

Cam: Poker face, poker face.
Mitchell: Ok, now work on your poker voice.

5 oclock Christmas Eve and I have to find a dozen perfect presents for the world’s snarkiest, cattiest men. My dear, dear friends.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.