Moe Szyslak Quotes
Moe: Aw, isn't that nice. Now there is a politician who cares.
Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him!
- Permalink: Aw, isn't that nice. Now there is a politician who cares. If I...
(Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (Calls out) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Moe: (to Bart) Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
- Permalink: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. Uh, hello. Is Mik...
(At Moe's, Patty interrupts Selma and Barney's date.)
Selma: Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
Selma: Oh. Thanks.
Patty: Now, let's go get some pancakes.
Selma: Uh, listen, Barney, uh... Aah.
(Patty and Selma get up and leave.)
Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (Sees a full pitcher of beer.) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
- Permalink: (<i>At Moe's, Patty interrupts Selma and Barney's date</i>.) P...
(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)
Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer (Lowers his voice) Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Homer: Don't look at me! (Laughs)
Moe: Oh no... you rotten little punk, if I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
(Principal Skinner takes the phone from Bart.)
Principal Skinner: You'll do what, young man?
Moe: What--what? Wait. Who--who is this?
Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
Moe: Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's--it's a bad connection, I think. (Hands phone to Homer.) Gah, it's for you. I think Bart is in trouble again.
- Permalink: <i>(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)</i>...
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
- Permalink: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy. Is Seymour the...
Okay, everybody, for the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher! (Crowd cheers) Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!Moe
- Permalink: (<i>Homer and Marge make up at Moe's bar</i>) Okay, everybody,...
(At Moe's, the guys try to get Homer to tell his story about moving to Capital City.)
Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
Homer: Oh, Barney.
Moe: Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me!
Barney: Please, Homer?
Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
Homer: Well, okay. It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night, down at Springfield Stadium
- Permalink: <i>(At Moe's, the guys try to get Homer to tell his story about ...
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello. Is Al there?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic. (Louder) Is there an Al Coholic here?
(Everyone in the bar laughs at Moe.)
Moe: Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!
- Permalink: Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there? Al? Yeah, Al. Last name,...
Homer: My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar!
Homer: (Shocked) What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. (Belches)
Homer: Oh, no!
Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig, Larry's a pig. We're all pigs!
- Permalink: My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig. Homer. ...
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Oliver there?
Bart: Oliver Klozoff.
Moe: Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff! Call for Oliver Klozoff!
- Permalink: Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there? Who? Oliver Klozoff. Hold...
Moe: Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jacques there?
Bart: Jacques. Last name Strap.
Moe: Uh, hold on. (Calling out) Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap!
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Moe: What? Aw, wait a minute, Jacques Strap? It's you isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
- Permalink: Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Is Jacques there? Who? J...
Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
- Permalink: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles tri...
Mayor Quimby: And, uh, may the Force be with you.
Leonard Nimoy: You have no idea who I am, do you?
Mayor Quimby: Sure, I do. You're one of the Little Rascals, right?
- Permalink: And, uh, may the Force be with you. You have no idea who I am,...