The Simpsons

Moe Szyslak Quotes (Page 12)

Moe: (answers phone) Moe's Tavern... Hold on, I'll check. (aloud) Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and... I like to kiss my own butt.
 • Rating: Unrated

Krusty: (Singing) Oh Mein Papa, to me he was so wonderful, Oh Mein Papa, to me he was so good, no one could be, so gentle and so loveable, Oh Mein Papa he always understood!
Moe: I've got something in my eye.
Barney: Here, take my hanky.
Moe: Euueeh!
 • Rating: Unrated

Moe: Aw, isn't that nice. Now there is a politician who cares.
Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (Calls out) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
(Everyone snickers)
Moe: (to Bart) Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)
Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer (Lowers his voice) Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Homer: Don't look at me! (Laughs)
Moe: Oh no... you rotten little punk, if I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
(Principal Skinner takes the phone from Bart.)
Principal Skinner: You'll do what, young man?
Moe: What--what? Wait. Who--who is this?
Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
Moe: Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's--it's a bad connection, I think. (Hands phone to Homer.) Gah, it's for you. I think Bart is in trouble again.
Homer: D'oh!
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Moe's, Patty interrupts Selma and Barney's date.)
Selma: Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
Patty: Yes.
Selma: Oh. Thanks.
Patty: Now, let's go get some pancakes.
Selma: Uh, listen, Barney, uh... Aah.
(Patty and Selma get up and leave.)
Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (Sees a full pitcher of beer.) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
 • Rating: Unrated

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer and Marge make up at Moe's bar)
Moe: Okay, everybody, for the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher! (Crowd cheers) Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Moe's, the guys try to get Homer to tell his story about moving to Capital City.)
Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
Homer: Oh, Barney.
Moe: Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me!
Barney: Please, Homer?
Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
Homer: Well, okay. It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night, down at Springfield Stadium
 • Rating: Unrated

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello. Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic. (Louder) Is there an Al Coholic here?
(Everyone in the bar laughs at Moe.)
Moe: Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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