Peggy: Either call him by his Christian name, Jim, or his full name, James Douglas McAthur Biggs.
Molly: Jim it is.

Molly: Slow and steady always wins the race. Don't I always say that?
Mike: She does, never in the right context, but it's a good saying anyway.

Molly: The senior center said we can get married there. Good news: they have a dance floor. Bad news: lots of people have died on it.

Mike: Maybe if you had talked a little less and listened a little more we wouldn't be in this mess!
Molly: Really?
Mike: Listen, I don't want a big fight.
Molly: Well, it's too late for that.

Molly: Did Mike call?
Victoria: No, but my pot dealer did. He said you can have your wedding in his basement grow room.
Molly: Oh good. Well, at least the lighting will be good!

Thought you had me didn't you, you fun sized little b**ch!

Molly: Dirty board game?
Peggy: Dirty Scrabble. It's actually just regular Scrabble with extra F's, B's, and J's.

Molly: Tonight'll be good. Just sitting around, sipping cocktails, having some girl talk.
Victoria: Yeah. But just keep in mind it's not too late to go out tonight and do something fun!

Molly: You're gonna kill him right? Please tell me you're gonna kill him.
Mike: If I say yes, it's premeditated.
Molly: Smart. I love you.

Molly: That reminds me, make sure Victoria wears a bra tomorrow.
Joyce: I'll try, but it's like trying to keep a hat on a dog.

Molly: Why don't you stay with your mom tomorrow night?
Mike: For the same reason I don't chew on tinfoil or try to kiss bears.

I wanted a few soft ringlets around my face, not a head full of curly fries!

Mike & Molly Quotes

Molly: We've got the house all to ourselves. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mike: Order pizza and make prank phone calls?
Molly: Yeah, baby!

I always go to Lethal Weapon. I'm Danny Glover and you're Mel Gibson with a thyroid problem.

Carl [to Mike]