The Simpsons

Mr. Burns Quotes (Page 17)

(A government inspection team arrives and inspects the nuclear power plant.)
Government Inspector: Okay, men. Geiger counters on.
(The inspection team turns on their Geiger counters, and they immediately start buzzing.)
Inspection Team: (In unison) Huh?
Mr. Burns: Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation, the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
(The Government Inspector makes a checkmark on his clipboard.)
Government Inspector: Sorry.
(Cut to the cooling towers.)
Government Inspector: (Whistles in amazement.) Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
Mr. Burns: Do'h. I'm as shocked as you are.
(Cut to an office inside the power plant.)
Government Inspector: Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
Mr. Burns: Doh, now, that shouldn't be.
(Cut to a work area inside the power plant, where a drop of nuclear waste falls from a leaking pipe and eats through an inspector's clipboard.)
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, that's always been like that.
 • Rating: Unrated

(After realizing he is going to lose the election, Mr. Burns starts smashing things in the Simpson home)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, tip over this table for me!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
(Smithers grunts as he turns over the table.)
Marge: Homer. Homer. Make them stop.
Homer: (Clears throat) Uh, Mr. Burns. Um, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Shut up and wreck something!
(Homer picks up a flower vase and drops it.)
Lisa: Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.
Mr. Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.
 • Rating: Unrated

Burns: Let the fools have their "tar-tar sauce."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)
Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter? (Points at a monitor with Homer on it.)
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like (Chuckles) Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer pelts Mr. Burns with a snowball.)
Homer: (Chuckles) Gotcha Burnsie!
Mr. Burns: (Chuckles) Why, you young ragamuffin, I was never one to back away from a snowball fight. Smithers, you may fire at will.
Smithers: Certainly, sir!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!
Homer: What do you mean, sir?
Mr. Burns: I mean this! (holds up the picture of Homer with belly dancer)
(Homer gasps)
Mr. Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. (wrinkles up the picture into a ball) I will not have you offending my customers with your bawdy shenanigans!
Homer: It won't happen again, sir, I promise! Can I get outta' your sight now?
Mr. Burns: Wait a minute, Simpson! Smithers, could you please leave the room?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: (sadly) Simpson... I am, by most measures, a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women. A certain, how should I put it?... "Animal magnétisme". (begging) Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.
Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
Mr. Burns: (pleasantly) Simpson, I'm asking you nicely.
Homer: I don't really know, sir--
Mr. Burns: (angrily) Simpson!
Homer: (scared) Well, oh, wine 'em! Dine 'em. Bring them flowers. Write them love poetry... sir.
Mr. Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this, Simpson. (angrily) Now return to your work! And tell no one of what transpired here.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns: I love you, Smithers.
Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mr. Burns: But now it's time to say good-bye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns: Good to see you. Glad you could make it.
Father: Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us.
Son: Not me. I had to miss little league for this.
Father: Quiet, Tom.
Mr. Burns: Oh please, please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good time. (to Smithers) Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him, or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
Smithers: He'll be gone by the tug-of-war, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns [to Homer]: You're not as stupid as you look or sound or our best testing indicates.
 • Rating: Unrated

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