Mr. Burns Quotes
(A government inspection team arrives and inspects the nuclear power plant.)
Government Inspector: Okay, men. Geiger counters on.
(The inspection team turns on their Geiger counters, and they immediately start buzzing.)
Inspection Team: (In unison) Huh?
Mr. Burns: Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation, the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
(The Government Inspector makes a checkmark on his clipboard.)
Government Inspector: Sorry.
(Cut to the cooling towers.)
Government Inspector: (Whistles in amazement.) Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
Mr. Burns: Do'h. I'm as shocked as you are.
(Cut to an office inside the power plant.)
Government Inspector: Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
Mr. Burns: Doh, now, that shouldn't be.
(Cut to a work area inside the power plant, where a drop of nuclear waste falls from a leaking pipe and eats through an inspector's clipboard.)
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, that's always been like that.
- Permalink: <i>(A government inspection team arrives and inspects the nuclea...
(With Homer in his car, Mr. Burns suddenly decides to run for governor.)
Homer: Where are we going, sir?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world!
Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?
- Permalink: <i>(With Homer in his car, Mr. Burns suddenly decides to run for...
(In a publicity stunt, Mr. Burns is a dinner guest at the Simpson home.)
Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
Mr. Burns: (Chuckles) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.
- Permalink: <i>(In a publicity stunt, Mr. Burns is a dinner guest at the Sim...
(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns the election, he and Smithers head home.)
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
- Permalink: <i>(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns t...
(In Mr. Burns' office, the Government Inspector gives Mr. Burns his report.)
Government Inspector: Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--
Mr. Burns: Oh look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers exit for a moment and then return to the office.)
Mr. Burns: Doh! Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.
- Permalink: <i>(In Mr. Burns' office, the Government Inspector gives Mr. Bur...
Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we're on our way!
- Permalink: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six ...
(After realizing he is going to lose the election, Mr. Burns starts smashing things in the Simpson home)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, tip over this table for me!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
(Smithers grunts as he turns over the table.)
Marge: Homer. Homer. Make them stop.
Homer: (Clears throat) Uh, Mr. Burns. Um, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Shut up and wreck something!
(Homer picks up a flower vase and drops it.)
Lisa: Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.
Mr. Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.
- Permalink: <i>(After realizing he is going to lose the election, Mr. Burns ...
Let the fools have their "tar-tar sauce."
- Permalink: Let the fools have their tar-tar sauce.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)
Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter? (Points at a monitor with Homer on it.)
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like (Chuckles) Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
- Permalink: <i>(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)</i> ...