Mr. Burns Quotes
(During the opening credits, Mr. Burns acts as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.)
Mr. Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the crypt-keeper, or should I say master of scary-i-monies? (Laughs)
(Smithers interrupts Mr. Burn's opening speech.)
Smithers: (Laughs) Priceless sir, you made the word ceremonies frightening.
Mr. Burns: I know what I did. Urghh.
- Permalink: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the crypt-keeper, or should I say ...
(At an auction for a "Kissing Lincolns Penny")
Homer: Five dollars!
Mr. Burns: Five hundred.
Homer: Five dollars, cash.
Host: Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice--
Homer: Five hundred-one!
Mr. Burns: Ten million.
Homer: Objection, Your Honor!
- Permalink: Five dollars! Five hundred. Five dollars, cash. Sir, the p...
(In "Mr. & Mrs. Simpson" Homer is talking to Mr. Burns via satellite.)
Mr. Burns: Greetings, 241.
Homer: Why does he always bring up my weight?
- Permalink: Greetings, 241. Why does he always bring up my weight?
Mr. Burns: My boy, you are a star.
Mr. Burns: An opera star.
Homer: (Disappointed) Oh.
- Permalink: My boy, you are a star. Woo-hoo! An opera star. Oh.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers visit the morgue.)
Mr. Burns: Ah, nothing lifts my spirits like shopping. Let's see, (Points) I'll take his liver, a case of Adam's apples, (Points) that motorcycle man's mustache.
Smithers: Oh, the money you've contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, young people are my future.
- Permalink: Ah, nothing lifts my spirits like shopping. Let's see, I'll tak...
I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.</i> Mr. Burns
- Permalink: I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the ...
(Smithers helps Mr. Burns shop for a cell phone.)
Smithers: What happened to that mini-cell phone I gave you, sir?
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I thought that was a lemon drop.
(Mr. Burns stomach suddenly vibrates.)
Smithers: I'll go get the number de-listed.
- Permalink: What happened to that mini-cell phone I gave you, sir? Ooh, I ...
(to Homer) Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!
- Permalink: Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!
Why do I need another penny? I have billions. Still, if I don't take it, that hoodlum over there might.
- Permalink: Why do I need another penny? I have billions. Still, if I don't ...
(Mr. Burns takes Homer out for dinner.)
Mr. Burns: So, Simpson, I hear you like pizza pie.
Homer: I do! My favorite is Chicago deep-dish.
Mr. Burns: Chicago, eh? Well, what if I took us there now?
Homer: Drive to Chicago? I don't have time for that. I have to be back at work by Monday and my boss is a total jerk.
- Permalink: So, Simpson, I hear you like pizza pie. I do! My favorite is C...
Mr. Burns: You saved my life! There must be something I can do for you.
Homer: (Thinks) A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner.
Mr. Burns: With...
Mr. Burns: ...Me!
Homer: Me? But that's you!
- Permalink: You saved my life! There must be something I can do for you. ...
(Homer meets Mr. Burns' flight attendant.)
Svetlana: My name is Svetlana, but you can call me "Hey, baby."
Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex. And I do mean anything.
Homer: (Drooling) Ohh, I'm aroused... and confused.
- Permalink: My name is Svetlana, but you can call me Hey, baby. And just s...