The Simpsons

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The simpsons
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(During the opening credits, Mr. Burns acts as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.)
Mr. Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the crypt-keeper, or should I say master of scary-i-monies? (Laughs)
(Smithers interrupts Mr. Burn's opening speech.)
Smithers: (Laughs) Priceless sir, you made the word ceremonies frightening.
Mr. Burns: I know what I did. Urghh.

(At an auction for a "Kissing Lincolns Penny")
Homer: Five dollars!
Mr. Burns: Five hundred.
Homer: Five dollars, cash.
Host: Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice--
Bart: Dad!
Homer: Five hundred-one!
Mr. Burns: Ten million.
Homer: Objection, Your Honor!

(In "Mr. & Mrs. Simpson" Homer is talking to Mr. Burns via satellite.)
Mr. Burns: Greetings, 241.
Homer: Why does he always bring up my weight?

Mr. Burns: My boy, you are a star.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: An opera star.
Homer: (Disappointed) Oh.

(Mr. Burns and Smithers visit the morgue.)
Mr. Burns: Ah, nothing lifts my spirits like shopping. Let's see, (Points) I'll take his liver, a case of Adam's apples, (Points) that motorcycle man's mustache.
Smithers: Oh, the money you've contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, young people are my future.

I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.

</i> Mr. Burns

(Smithers helps Mr. Burns shop for a cell phone.)
Smithers: What happened to that mini-cell phone I gave you, sir?
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I thought that was a lemon drop.
(Mr. Burns stomach suddenly vibrates.)
Smithers: I'll go get the number de-listed.

(to Homer) Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!

Why do I need another penny? I have billions. Still, if I don't take it, that hoodlum over there might.

(Mr. Burns takes Homer out for dinner.)
Mr. Burns: So, Simpson, I hear you like pizza pie.
Homer: I do! My favorite is Chicago deep-dish.
Mr. Burns: Chicago, eh? Well, what if I took us there now?
Homer: Drive to Chicago? I don't have time for that. I have to be back at work by Monday and my boss is a total jerk.

Mr. Burns: You saved my life! There must be something I can do for you.
Homer: (Thinks) A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner.
(Homer gasps)
Mr. Burns: With...
Homer: Yeah?
Mr. Burns: ...Me!
Homer: Me? But that's you!

(Homer meets Mr. Burns' flight attendant.)
Svetlana: My name is Svetlana, but you can call me "Hey, baby."
Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex. And I do mean anything.
Homer: (Drooling) Ohh, I'm aroused... and confused.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 175 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Bart