Mr. Garrison Quotes
Randy: That word's kind of getting old. It's not really funny anymore.
Man: Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word now.
Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't use "fag." Because you can't say "fag" unless you're a homosexual.
Randy: Really? So we can't say (bleep)?
Mr. Garrison: No. See, you got beeped.
Man: You mean you have to be a (bleep) to say (bleep)?
Mr. Garrison: That's right.
Jimbo: Hell, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag."
Randy: Hey, you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh, oh.
Mr. Garrison: Well well well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?
Mr. Garrison: And so children, instead of saying "Hand in your papers." I may now say "Hand in your shit." Any questions?
Filmore: What about "I have to take a shit"?
Mr. Garrison: No, no Filmore, you can say "I have to poop and shit," or "Oh, shit, I have to poop," but not "I have to shit." Are we all clear?
(to Mrs. Jane Smith) Yeah, that's right cash tucker! Have fun with your two-million dollar house!
Mr. Garrison: Now we can sell all their homes and become millionares.
Jimbo: But then you had us all do all that for nothing, don't you see if you get rich selling these homes then there'd still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, you'll become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison:........Yeah but at least I got rid of all those damn ni[South Park ending theme]
Clerk: We'll get you on the 7 A.M. flight tomorrow morning.
Mr. Garrison: I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is tonight!
Agent: The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry!
That's it! A gyroscope. It will allow for maximum balance andMr. Hat, you're a genius!
I never realized Ben had TPS but I definately see the resemblence now.
(Mr. Garrison walks out of a shower with a towel around him. The military barges into the room.)
Military official: Get it!
Mr. Garrison: What the...? (gets pinned to the wall as his towel is taken off)
Military official: Throw it down!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, alright! Have your way with me if you must... Go on, fulfill your sick pleasures!
(The military destroys the towel and leaves.)
Military official: Alright, lets go!
Mr. Garrison: Where are you going?
Filmore: Can we do fingerpaint?
Mr. Garrison: No, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes? Huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sound good?
Chef: Look, schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day! But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [pans to Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [pans to Ms. Choksondik] or even a complete pervert. [pans to Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: What? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Mr. Garrison: I'm sorry, Eric.
Cartman (as Mitch Connor): Sorry is a four letter word with a y on the end that doesn't mean anything to this kid.