Ned: But do you hate me?
Chuck: I have to hate you a little, just for a little while. But I can’t do that if you stay
Ned: I don’t want you to hate me, I’ll stay.
Chuck: If you stay, I’ll just end up hating you more. Just go.
Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater.
Emerson: That thing’s uglier then a chipmunk’s ass.
Ned: He means the sweater, not your niece.
Ned: Do you know you have a "tell" when you lie?
Olive: Do I?
Ned: You answer questions with questions.
Olive: Maybe I know I have a tell and I know you know I have a tell and maybe I'm doing it now to confuse you because you don't know what tell I'm telling.
You don't have to do this, Madeleine. Please put the gun and the bat down. Or definitely the gun.
Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.
Chuck: Guess what day it is today.
Ned: World Hello Day.
Chuck: Oh, you finally put up my calendar of obscure holidays.
Ned: Yes, and Hola!
Chuck, I killed your father.
We're not lost. We're following the yellow thick hose.
I've had girlfriends but they were always extraneous factors.
Chuck: Oh! Then I’ll be polite and say, "Oh, I’m sorry I forgot my purse and I’ve got no pockets".
Emerson: Uh huh… well, hey somebody see, now I’m gonna need to see some ID on the count that you look just like that dead girl that got herself killed on that tropical cruise.
Ned: Okay, if that happens I'll say something like "What is this? A police state?" (pause) If I ever say that it means I'm having a panic attack.
Chuck: Four wives? That's just greedy!
Olive: And intriguing.
Emerson: Some people like vanilla, some like chocolate, others like their Neapolitan.
Ned: I like Neapolitan.
Emerson: Then you'd do well as a polygamist: one woman to have, one woman to hold.
Ned: Why? Why would you do that? For the record I'd make a horrible polygamist. I'm easily distracted, I wouldn't know where to focus..
Ned: The only reason I didn't tell you is because it didn't mean anything. Lots of stuff happens in the course of a day that I don't bother sharing. For instance, yesterday's four-berry pie was actually three and a half because I ran out of cranberries. I didn't tell you that.
Chuck: Actually you did. You asked if orange counted as a berry and I said it didn't, but no one had to know but us.
Ned: I like that you said "us."