I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Ever since I've known you, you've been there. OK. You're always there. Even when I don't want you there, you're there. That's what a husband does. You fight for me. Thats what a husband does. You care about what I eat. That's what a husband does. You've cooked for me even when I don't ask. That's what a husband does. When I pass out you comb my hair so there's no knots in it. That's what a husband does. So guess what? You're gonna be a great husband to Cece cause you're a great husband to me.

It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.

Where are you guys? Could I have walked out to the mountains? When does a hill become a mountain? I'm so cold!

Skylar: Do you know how to make drinks?
Nick: Do I know how to make drinks?
Skylar: Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
Nick: Yeah, I do that professionally.
Skylar: You could get me drunk professionally?

Nick: Schmidt...I need you to teach me to be a douchebag
Schmidt: Let's get started.
Winston: What is happening in the world?

Jess: Nick put on some pants or at least some really high socks.
Nick: Really high socks it is then!

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if the iPhone was called "the slippery germ brick"?
Nick: Yeah, I probably would actually.

Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!

Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I look bad in hats.

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Jess: You've always wanted a thing, so maybe this is your thing. The guy with no phone.
Nick: But who is that guy!?

New Girl Quotes

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt