Oscar: Yesterday I was talking to a lizard and it turned into Elizabeth Taylor.
George Sr.: Young Elizabeth Taylor?

George Sr.: I always talk about being a great man. Maybe the way to do that isn't by being the biggest businessman in Southern California. It's by...
Oscar: It's by being the best brother in Southern California.

George: Well, I don't think the Home Builder's Organization is gonna be supporting us.
Michael: Yeah, the HBO is not gonna want us. What are we gonna do now?
Oscar: Well, I think it's Showtime.

(in prison) I'm innocent, Michael. I'm Oscar! Dot com.

(Oscar pleading to Michael while in prison)
Oscar: I'm your uncle. I'm your dad's twin brother. I'm Oscar, he switched on me! No one believes me.
Narrator: Unfortunately, for Oscar, "You've got the wrong twin" was a popular alibi.
(Cut to Oscar being dragged into the police station handcuffed)
Man in Handcuffs: You simply got the wrong twin.
Arrested Twin #1: We're quadruplets, you got the wrong two!
Arrested Twin #2: We're Larry and Dave!
Arrested Twin #1: You want Curtis and Jack!

Oscar: I even started a website: I'm Oscar dot com. I'm innocent, Michael! I'm Oscar! Dot com!
Michael: No, no, don't buy it. I'm taking my son to the cabin, and there's nothing you can say to make me believe that you are not my father.
Oscar: I understand. Your child comes first.
Michael: Oh, my god, you're Oscar.
Oscar: Dot com.

(about his hair) Why won't it grow back!?

Lucille: How's my son?
Doctor: He's going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There's no other way to take that.
Doctor: That's a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don't know that I'd take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was all right.
Doctor: Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."
Lucille: [Jumping on the doctor] You son of a bitch! I hate this doctor!

I think we're going to need a new floating thermometer. And can I have your Blue Cross number?

Oscar: The question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe, I'll put it in her brownie.
Michael: Hey!

Oscar: God willing, he'll fail boot camp.
Michael: Well, why wouldn't he? He already failed day camp.

Buster: Are you guys planning a party?
Oscar: Yes. It's your father's birthday, which coincidentally is my birthday.
Buster: Because you're twins.

Arrested Development Quotes

Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... Wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.