Peter: Well, I am off to try and get out of this conversation!
Lois: Peter, what did you do?
Peter: He was slightly inconveniencing me and Joe, so we threatened to destroy his family.

It enhances my life to know how your life is going!

Brian: Permission to take fast tiny bites at my own tail, sir?
Peter: Go ahead.

He's my friend, I miss him.

Oh god how do you get pink-eye? This is got to be it!

Peter: I missed you Brian.
Brian: I missed you too Peter.
Peter: And now Im gonna go upstairs and pee in Meg's bed.
Brian: No, we're going to go pee in Meg's bed.
Peter: Good boy.

When she worries she says things like "I told you so" and "stop doing that, I'm asleep."

Brian [in prison]: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing

Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend. Every pot finds a lid, huh?

I'm as creative as the first spider to spin a web.

What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government to such a gross over-payment?
Peter: Well uh, I was gonna call 'em but uh, my favorite episode of Diff'rent Strokes was on

Family Guy Quotes

Aunt Margarite [on her video will]: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter

But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.

Quagmire