Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPopular Peter Griffin Quotes
Peter: You know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial I think we came out ahead.
Joe: Sure. Drive right up to the plane.
Peter: Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. [plane crashes behind him] Oh, they made pretty good time!
Peter: Look I've had a good life and you can always be proud of your father in all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room
Chris (Luke): They're coming too fast!
Peter (Han): (Under his breath) Ah boy, nickel for every time that's happened. (yelling) Just keep shootin' Luke.
Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.
Peter: Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today.
Death: Not according to my paperwork. It says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I gotta tell ya...I always thought it'd be rectal trauma.
Where am I gonna find a ringer as strong as Guillermo? One time, I walked into the locker room; I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed
That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious, the sailor. Then again, he was never meant to be funny
Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around! It's painful!
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!
Peter: You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They are not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
Hey, I'm not just a poorly-cleaned butt. There's a whole man around man around that you have to please.
Tom: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".
Omar: Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.
Tom: That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
[Peter comes up to the microphone]
Tom: Peter, your word is "tree".
Peter: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Tom: There is a tree by the lake.
Peter: Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
Tom: I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree where I asphixiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.
Peter: T-R-E-E. Tree.
Tom: Correct!
Did you see that? My dog had a gun.
