You know, I actually feel really bad for him, you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11? What're the odds of that?

So wait, let me get this straight? Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to yell "Admiral Ackbar!" when I do stuff? You have got yourself a Muslim.

Peter: You know who'd look funny wearing one of those? The Monopoly guy!
Mahmoud: Correct! Go directly to jail and convert to Islam!
Peter: Hahaha, because they do that!
Mahmoud: Yes, that is what I intended.

Bob Costas: I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it?
Peter: Bob, I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

Hey guys, let's try to recreate this feeling for the rest of our lives with drugs!

Quagmire: Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?
Peter: Yeah, it says in the brochures that he assists with all the jumps.
Harrison Ford: Get off my plane!

Peter: Can I listen to my iPod on the way down?
Skydiving Instructor: Yeah, just as long as it's not Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'."

Peter: I have two ideas. One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid. We could either A: rob a Mafia poker game, or B: skydive
Joe: Skydive? I'd be totally up for that!
Quagmire: Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!
Peter: Really? Eh, could be fun I guess.

Lois: It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business deal in a swamp!
Peter: To me, it just proves that we're truly meant to be together.
Lois: I love you, Peter.
Peter: I love you too, Lois. [beat] By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute because our phone bill was $7,000.

Peter: Hey Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie?
Joe: Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment once a year, why?

Lois: Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight?
Peter: No, Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me any more!

Lois: Now what are we going to do, we have no money!
Peter: Why it's okay, Lois, we have a wonderful family!
Lois: No we don't, there's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie.