Family Guy

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Lois: He seems nice.
Peter: Sorry, I missed all that. I was tweeting.

There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life there. What a mess.

Peter: I like that you can tell me your stories starting at the Clam and end it on a ferris wheel.
Quagmire: Yeah, people are starving in Africa and I'm in a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

Well, it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.

Lois: Peter, you left the flap open!
Peter: It's like a thousand degrees in here, Lois!
Lois: Close the tent now, it's freezing!
Peter: Headline: "Woman Cold."

Peter: Guys, be sure to look down the whole time. It's really deep and freaky and disoritenting! [falls] It's okay, there'a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall.
Lois: Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack?
Peter Uh, no.
Lois: No like you checked and there aren't any no, or no you're just assuming?
Peter: I'm embarassed.

Peter: Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. [Cutaway]
God: These mountains look like nipples.
Jesus: Well you can't just call a country Nipples.
God: How about, "Nepal?"
Jesus: Ooh, I like that.
God: Shocker, God gets it right.

Ross Fishman: No family is closer than ours. That's why we love taking trips together. Here we are in Machu Picchu.
Peter: Is that the topless place in South Attleboro? I spat on a chick there at a work retreat.

Ah, cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. It's a-comin'.

Lois: Peter, will you stop being so jealous? I dated Ross 20 years ago.
Peter: That's right, that means he had you first, Lois. I'll always be Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan.

If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?

I tell you, this obituary came out great. "Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer. In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin at 31 Spooner Street." If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley