For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant.

Chris: No! What just happened? What was that thing?
Peter: I don't know, some kind of superbird. Or maybe just an average bird who bought a Bowflex.

Peter: Hey Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some great tits! 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here!
Chris: Remember those two we saw last night? One was bigger than the other!

Peter: Well, I'll be on the lookout for great tits.
Lois: Peter!
Brian: Well actually Lois, that's a species of bird that's been known to frequent domestic birdhouses.

Chris: Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.
Lois: What? I just bought you new sneakers!
Chris: I know, but I need cooler ones!
Peter: Shut up and stop complaining. When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers! We wore stale hamburger buns.
Lois: No you didn't, Peter.
Peter: Shh! He doesn't know that, he's just a dumb fat loser! Did you see his shoes?

Lois: You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking let's do something we've never done before.
Peter: Release the virus?

Hey, I'm not just a poorly-cleaned butt. There's a whole man around man around that you have to please.

Stewie: You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes another.
Peter: Owww, my head!
Stewie: She already has two cell phones.

Hey, was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel with Scott Baio?

Peter: Lois, do you have any idea what i'm looking at right now?
Lois: Peter, we're not doing this again.
Peter: I am at Harvard, the smartest school in the country. And they have...
Lois: Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy!
Peter: It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical!
Lois: It's ridiculous! Pancakes are not a nighttime food!
Peter: You're ridiculous!

Hey, can you read that page with all the little paragraphs about dead people? They're hilarious.

Hey Brian, can you believe I found this blazer on the side of the highway?

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.