Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Joe: Oh my god, he must have hung himself during auto-erotic asphyxiation!
Peter: While watching clown porn!

Lois:Oh my god, not that guy. Isn't he the one that beats her?
Peter: Yea, but she's gotten a LOT better.

What do you mean I'm broke? What about all that money I sent to the Gayman Islands? They did what with it? No I don't want it back!

Lois: Is it a blood diamond?
Peter: Only the bloodiest.

Well, sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing!

No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy.

I just bought a giant room full of gold coins that I'm going to dive into like Scrooge McDuck.

You want to have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it?

We won! I'm getting a penis butler!

Peter: Hey, check it out! It's another chick! The only other chick in the galaxy!
Lois: I don't like her.

Come by and apply for a Han job and I'll get you off and running! Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they started but Han job will have you shooting for the stars!

Peter: Whoa, what the hell are these? Hamsters?
Quagmire: They're adorable!

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley