Peter: Listen, Quagmire. We hate you now.
Joe: Yeah, you used to be fun.
Peter: Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy or just coming back from a colonoscopy.

Quagmire: Hey slow down, drive like hell, you'll get there!
Peter: Quagmire, what the hell are you doing?
Quagmire: I'm letting all these hot rodders know this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track!

Come on, it's not so bad. You could always kill yourself.

Peter: Wow, I guess all this time Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity!"
Joe: Hah!
Peter: No, but he is our friend.

Peter: Guys, am I the only one who thinks its weird talking about Bonnie cheating on Joe in front of their baby?
Suzie: (Thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice) I think we can all benefit from a little strange every now and then. I know I will.

He used his stinky French wiener to defile her.

Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Not having the government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we've seemed to botch it all up!

Tea Party, huh? Well, I'd like to be part of a movement. But what movement would want a fat guy who has opinions and hates listening?

Joe: Well, you can't fight City Hall.
Peter: Well, we'll see about that. ... City Hall knows karate.

I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want. But what I do have is a particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you.

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)