He used his stinky French wiener to defile her.

Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Not having the government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we've seemed to botch it all up!

Tea Party, huh? Well, I'd like to be part of a movement. But what movement would want a fat guy who has opinions and hates listening?

Joe: Well, you can't fight City Hall.
Peter: Well, we'll see about that. ... City Hall knows karate.

I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want. But what I do have is a particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you.

Alright Meg, I need you to listen to me very carefully. Panic. Pay no attention to detail. Let your mind race. Take short, rapid breaths. Then hide under the bed, but leave two of your feet sticking out.

Peter: I mean, who says the body next to you has to be male or female? Or whatever!
Quagmire: Or alive!
Peter: Yeah! Well, no. But yeah!

Believe it or not, men like to cuddle. Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson.

If God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he'd make me John Travolta!

Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley