What do people do who don't drink?

I can get people to pay me 10 bucks just for doing stupid stuff?

Now all I need is a group photo of me kneeling in front of the village so I can brag about what a good person I am.

Carter: So that money's just been Josh Hartnetted?
Peter: What's that?
Carter: Gone, disappeared, never to be heard from again.

Spending the day with him is going to be worse than eating at a ballpark.

Besides, it's been a while since we ate at a place where, if you ask for ketchup, they look at your like you're dirt.

He's happier than a sunny side up egg.

Just one questions, Stewie. Do you get pleasure out of humiliating your family?

Joe: Public opinion has shifted, and the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.
Peter: Who the hell are the boys upstairs?

Lois, I am an unelected vigilante and take my job very seriously.

Or you can pull the hose out of the bucket and let the hose run free.

There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley