Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
Peter: Hey, Lois.
Lois: So, what happened? You find your treasure?
Peter: No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

I want you on my team for everything... except for sports.

I want Hershey kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

Lois: (while Peter plays harmonica music) I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away. I ditched the car and snuck on a passing train. I was so scared, I didn't get off until I was in the south. What'd you do today?
Peter: I pushed a boy behind your car so I could do all this harmonica stuff.

Oh my god. It was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!

Peter: The only thing I ever won was an extra day of summer. (cutaway scene starts)
Lois: Okay, Peter, one more day.
Peter: Yay! (runs outside in swim trunks, then back inside) I saw what I look like in a car window, and now I don't wanna go.

Chris: Hey, check it out, there's an air show!
Lois: Oh my god, they're gonna crash!
Peter: Oh no don't worry, it's a gay air show. They're just gonna lightly touch tips.

The proudest day of a man's life is when his dog goes off to college.

Peter: And Meg, you yourself said lip gloss unicorns Channing Tatum something something bullcrap.
Meg: You were listening the whole time?

Lois: Peter, where'd you even get the money to make that kind of purchase?
Peter: I sold the house. And I did it on Craigslist, so now I have a dangerous friend!

Lois: Peter, you went out and bought a farm without talking to me about it?
Peter: Well, Lois, in my defense, I have nothing to back up the first part of my sentence.

Well, you guys, we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and then the rest of the place applauding them.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley