Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: I don't know now!

My boy was in trouble. So I put my fears aside and came to his rescue? Does that make me a hero? Yes it does.

Luke: When you stuck your head in, your screamed a little.
Phil: I told you. That was the house settling.

Luke: Aren't we going in?
Phil: We sure are. But won't it be fun if we did it with ski goggles and barbecue tools?

We're like Ponce de Leon and his son... little Ponce.

You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.

Did he trump me? You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fritelli's, a family style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row...yeah, he got me. He got me.

Phil: My wife is always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh no, she could make lists for days.

Phil: I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electro-acoustic transducers.
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Some people call me a salesman, I call myself a salesfriend, so obviously I need strangers to trust me. I don't take it kindly when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me