Luke: I dunno, mom always tells me what to do.
Phil: Join the club.

She's one of my 447 friends. Everyone wants a slice.

You're doing that thing when you say what I want you to say, but your tone seems mean.

I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.

Luke: You had a girlfriend before mom?
Phil: I had two!

Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.

Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: I don't know now!

My boy was in trouble. So I put my fears aside and came to his rescue? Does that make me a hero? Yes it does.

Luke: When you stuck your head in, your screamed a little.
Phil: I told you. That was the house settling.

Luke: Aren't we going in?
Phil: We sure are. But won't it be fun if we did it with ski goggles and barbecue tools?

We're like Ponce de Leon and his son... little Ponce.

You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Can I sit around an empty house and wait for someone? Baby I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

Phil