Phil: Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has anyone?

Sorry I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever.

Phil [about Luke]: He's one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One year we just got him a box, a really nice box
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?

Haley is so pretty. So she can meet someone who's the best at something

Phil [about Luke]: I'm telling you that kid is a genius, there's a rainmaker
Claire: Why is your iPod in your mouth?
Luke: I'm charging it
Claire: Alex. Alex!

Claire: Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough. Especially the first day of school.
Phil: From the moment we get up at seven until we drop them off at school it is: go go go.
Claire: I get up at six.
Phil [mocking]: I get up at five.
Claire: Seriously, I get up at six.
Phil: That's you? I thought we had a racoon

Claire: Phil, let it go, I'm faster than you
Phil: If only there was some way we could settle this once and for all, but how?
Claire: You seriously want to race me? I ran a half-marathon last year
Phil: Okay, I'm half scared
Claire: Okay, we do need to do this. I'll go change

Phil: Well, there's book smart and then there's street smart.
Claire: Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Phil: Oh, he's just, he's just curious, that's all. He's got this, almost, scientific mind with a thirst for knowledge. He's like this little Einstein. Some people ask "Why?" Luke asks, "Why not?"
Claire: I ask why a lot

Phil [on the phone with Claire]: Hey honey, what's up?
Claire: Uh, the school just called. Luke got in a fight.
Phil: Oh, jeez, is he okay?
Claire: Yeah, he's fine, but they want us to come down there. Where are you?
Phil: I'm showing a house.
Claire: What house?
Phil: I'm golfing

Phil: It's nice to see you Gloria. [Hugs Gloria]
Gloria: Two times today.
Phil: Okay. [Goes in for another hug]
Claire: Uh, Phil, she means we've seen them two times today

Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug... creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're the last person who should give me anything. You got me here. You got me to graduation, to Cal tech. You did it. You're done.

Alex