Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern-family

Who's ready for the first day of the rest of their lives?

Claire: They're getting more in next week.
Phil: Next week? That's like the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.

Maybe you should come to the doctor and I'll ... get rid of it!

I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

Phil: It's like a movie theater, library and a music store all rolled in to one... awesome pad.
Alex [to Haley]: A library is a place where people get books
Haley [to Alex]: A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."

Claire [after eating Haley's cupcakes]: Do we still have the number for poison control?
Phil: I love you, Claire, I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep like at the dentist.

Phil: I'm really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.
Claire: Well that means a lot to me.

Luke: I dunno, mom always tells me what to do.
Phil: Join the club.

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