I'm not sure how that guy got to be a professor if he was stupid enough to dump you.

I should get going, my allergies are starting to cry.

Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now.

I think I may have been being too sexy.

I'm sorry for dozens of things everyday that actually happen, if I start apologizing for things that don't happen how productive of a person would I be?

Don't ever ask me about my business Claire.

I know you guys like to go to mom because she's Mr. Tough Guy problem solver.

Phil: Is there some kind of dress code for Godparents?
Claire: You're not wearing a fedora Phil.

When I was 17 I was really close to my friend Stacey's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me.

These jeans just slipped on me so perfectly, my name must be "Pantserella."

Haley: You used to be fun.
Phil: You used to be....what? Oh yeah, at college.

That's the funny thing about marriage, you fall in love with this extraordinary person and over time they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.
Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.