Better Off Ted

Tuesdays 8:30 PM on ABC

Phil Mymen Quotes (Page 9)

Season 1, Episode 5: "Win Some, Dose Some"

Phil: Hey, Linda. What's wrong?
Linda: The Jewish people have had such a tumultuous history, and yet they were still able to give us this? The everything bagel--it's all you'd ever want in one bagel. I love it... and the chosen people who created it.
• Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Ted: We're working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It'll be the only thing the military drops that doesn't kill people. The problem is...
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we're using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins
• Rating: Unrated

Phil: We should tell her.
Lem: Or we don't tell her so she doesn't get mad at us again.
Phil: I like where this is going.
Lem: We're going. That's it. It went
• Rating: Unrated

Phil: Wait. i thought we used the last of the Band-Aids when you wanted to see what I'd look like with a mustache
• Rating: Unrated

Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He's like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: I win! This is the most fun anyone has ever had with hypodermic needles.
Lem: It's not over yet. It's still wobbling. And it can't come out for at least a minute. Same rules as for losing your virginity
• Rating: Unrated

Season 1, Episode 4: "Racial Sensitivity"

Phil: When you stand up for yourself, you get things done. I learned that the first time I sent back undercooked chicken at a restaurant. Sure, I ended up paying for two chickens...
• Rating: Unrated

Veronica: I know what it's like to see the ugly face of discrimination.
Lem: You do?
Veronica: Yes, I do. When I was 16, I was 5'9" and stunning. I mean, off-the charts gorgeous. At school, I was like a swan among the ugly ducklings. all the other girls hated me. And like our light sensors are doing to you, totally ignored me. If it wasn't for the modeling contracts and the comfort of college boys, I don't know if I would have made it.
Phil: Wow. I had no idea.
Veronica: No, how could you? You're still not 5'9"
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: This is ridiculous. You have to talk to Veronica.
Lem: I'm going to.
Phil: No, I mean you really have to.
Lem: I'm going to.
Phil: No you won't.
Lem: Yes I might.
Phil: You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn't just delicious flavored coffee. This is your dignity we're talking about.
Lem: I have my dignity. Now will you take me to the bathroom
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0