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Student: Excuse me are you Pierce Hawthorne, Hawthrone wipes?
Pierce: At your cervix! Sorry I thought you were a lady.

Pierce: What did I do to deserve that? Keep me out of your stupid stories.
Troy: I didn't say it was you. I said it was a crazy, old, racist doctor.

By sewing my butt to my chest, you've given me boobs I can touch all day.

Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking. I guess all the good ones went into porn.

Oh I just had a terrible nightmare where Jeff was a pompous ass.

Uruguay sounds like "you're a gay."

Jeff: We've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
Pierce: I'm back!

It began with a dream Annie. A dream and an impulse to hide in the men's room. I found that people were willing to roll bullets under the door just for the right to take a dump. By the way, for you guys, taking a dump is on the house.

Is that a new stereotype?

Pierce: I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity: just pick one; they all cost the same.

Pierce: Who is the dumpling with the nice Asian pair?
Jeff: I think that's the first time sexism has made me hungry.

Jeff: I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. It's hard enough to find people you can stand in this life, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.
Pierce: Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.
Jeff: Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 112 in total

Community Quotes

A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.

Troy

Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Troy [reading the cake]
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