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Pierce: abed, Your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead, know what I mean?
Abed: I don't.
Jeff. you're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase, streets ahead
Pierce: Trying? Coined and minted.

Shirley: I've never been a captain before.
Pierce: I have I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm and only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly, I saved half the crew.

Have a family, share your life. That and learning computers are two things you just can't knock out at the end.

Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it.
Pierce: Calvin Coolidge?

I can't think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his thirties. One way or another, that ends with an explosion.

Troy: Abed, what are you doing?
Abed: Being myself.
Troy: Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed: I wouldn't go over there.
Pierce: How do you know that?
Abed: A lifetime of observation mostly.

Chang: We're going to get frozen yogurt.
Pierce [getting on Chang's scooter]: I'm not gay man, they close in seven minutes.
Troy: I could have driven you.
Chang: You said he hated froyo.
Pierce: Just drive!
Troy: Slut!

Jeff: You started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend!
Annie: What? We haven't even kissed.
Pierce: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

Pierce: What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breast feed?
Chang: "She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.

My brother died on the set of that movie! One of the mechanical spiders just went haywire and tore him to pieces, and Tom Selleck just stood there and watched him die.

What are you, my third wife's therapist?

Tea for two? There are five people up there.

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 112 in total

Community Quotes

It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.

Britta

Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Troy [reading the cake]
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