Lisa: I've got something! The sixth grade security camera shows three empty desks.
Principal Skinner: Enhance!
(Camera zooms in on desk with "Skinner Stinks" carved into it)
Principal Skinner: De-hance! De-hance!

Simpson! I'll teach you to make a Poupon me!

Skinner: Okay, you have a deal, you conniving little (whispers in Bart's ear)
Bart: Wow, that's a swear!?
Skinner: Used as a noun, it is.

Skinner: Moving on, our class trip to Italy is now spaghetti night at Papa John's. And your $1,500 deposits will not be refunded.
Homer: (excitedly) Ooh! Papa John's.

Mrs. Krabapel: This game is a great way to meet eligible men who can afford a computer.
(Skinner's character, a scaly turkey, comes up)
Skinner: Or have access to one in the school library.
Mrs. Krabapel: It's amazing how you can be a turkey in every reality.
Skinner: What's important is we're talking.

Skinner: Simpson, I know you're behind this! Well, you are going to get some counseling from the school psychologist!
School Psychologist: DARK STANLEY'S GONNA EAT MY BRAINS!
Superintendent Chalmers: Or from a qualified professional.

Groundskeeper Willie: I'll bring those kids back dead or alive!
Skinner: Not DEAD!
Groundskeeper Willie: Aw, you never let Willie be Willie!

What monster, or pair of monsters would steal all of our fire extinguishers?

Bart: Where is Nelson?
Skinner: I'm sorry. Nelson never woke up.
Bart: What?!
Skinner: Never woke up because he never passed out -- he's right over there.

Principal Skinner: I'd do anything for my beloved Army.
Recruiter: How about re-enlisting?
Principal Skinner: How about you bite me?

(Using peanuts as a threat, Bart forces Skinner to do things against his will at Comic Book Guy's shop.)
Principal Skinner: (Clears throat) Excuse me. I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Comic Book Guy: Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your kryptonite.
Principal Skinner: Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
Comic Book Guy: I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance. I shall laugh. Ha, ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.
Principal Skinner: Wait, maybe Bart has a kryptonite!
Comic Book Guy: Perhaps. But for now you may suckle your Baggins.
(Comic Book Guy hands a Bilbo Baggins doll to Principal Skinner.)

(Principal Skinner finally stands up to Bart's peanut threats.)
Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
(Principal Skinner holds up a stick with a shrimp attached to it.)
Bart: No! I'm allergic!
(Bart holds up his stick with a peanut attached to it.)
Principal Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
Bart: No one teaches me history!

The Simpsons Quotes

Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it!

(Squishing an ice cream to his forehead) I'm a unitard!

Ralph