Principal Skinner Quotes
Principal Skinner: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder. If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Principal Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Principal Skinner: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Principal Skinner: (Over phone) I know Weinstein's parents were upset Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony holiday. I mean, it sounds so made-up: Yom kip-pur!
Principal Skinner: Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum!
Leopold: You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aw, he seems to know the students' names.
Principal Skinner: What's he doing here?
Bart: Well once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.
Homer: That is true.
Bart: Hey, what's this?
Principal Skinner: Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant, they were my loyal troops. (photo shows Skinner saluting and his men scowling at him) That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show. I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake.
Principal Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done!
Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Cloneasaurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then, you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through-- (passage of time) --it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had-- (passage of time) --most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?!! (pause) I mean, thank you, come again.
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it; I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children.
Principal Skinner: Oh, now I really think the children's appearance--
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour! You are in very, very big trouble.
Principal Skinner: Willie, go into the vent and get him.
Groundskeeper Willie: What!? Have ye gone waxy in yer beester? I canna fit in the wee vent, ye croquet-playin' mint-muncher!
Principal Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you guff-speaking work-slacker.
Groundskeeper Willie: Ooh. Good comeback.
Agnes: (From downstairs) Seymour, your friend Bart is here.
Principal Skinner: I know, mother!
Agnes: Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7:30?
Principal Skinner: No, mother!