Howard: What were they thinking putting Doctor Octopus's mind in Spider-Man's body?
Raj: Well, I've been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spider-Man with all the body-switching shenanigans of Freaky Friday. Both versions: original and Lohan.
Howard (imitating Raj): "Both versions: original and Lohan."

So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on and they're adorable.

Howard: There's a party for incoming post-docs tonight. Go to it and meet someone who isn't made of grease or pie.
Raj: You think you're so cool because your wife is a person?

Sheldon: Even the dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.
Raj: Is that true?
Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating fece, living in feces and making little balls out of feces. So, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.

Raj: I haven't had a drink since last night.
Penny: You're talking to me.
Raj: I am. And, now I'm crying for a whole different reason.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever have love? I'm unlovable.

If you wear something brown and sit on the couch, they won't even know you're there.

Raj: Okay, I have a request to make.
Amy: And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck is going on in there.

I like you a lot and that's scary for me. Mostly because you're a proven flight risk.

You're right. I should finish the game. I take my plus-one longsword stab myself in the face with it. I'm dead. I've got a date with a girl. Bye!

We have a new rule if no one talks for three minutes you can just hang up. I'm so into her.

Howard: Classy dog.
Raj: Yes. Also, don't forget to close the toilet or she'll drink out of it.
Howard: I feel for ya I have a psychotic mommy, too.

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.