Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central

Just because somebody's gay, doesn't mean they molest children. Straight people do that too.

Stan: I made a promise to Jesus.
Randy: Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved.

Detective: Dammit, Marsh. Why couldn't you have just kept your stupid, ugly kid in line?
Randy: Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks.

Randy: Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore.
Stan: My Facebook profile went rogue, dad. Had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else.
Randy: Okay, so we're not friends then?
Stan: Fuck off dad.

I want you to look at me when we make love, and not just my balls.

Look, I'm telling you guys, it's awesome. I can have all the pot I want. I get around faster than walking and wherever I need a seat, I can just sit on my balls.

Stan: Mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer.
Randy: Just gonna get a little bit of cancer, Stan, tell mom it's okay.

Stan: Dad, I like being in a boy band, I think it's interesting.
Randy: Well there's plenty of interesting things you can do. Have you ever tried marijuana?

Randy: You know in a way I think I was even jealous of you being in a boy band. Isn't that stupid?
Stan: Not really. Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.

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