Marshall: Did you catch the game last night?
Robin: Yeah, nail biter.

Robin: Hey Captain, quick question. What do you think about the Jonas Brothers?
Marshall [covering the right half of the Captain's face]: He hates that he loves them.

I think the smaller turkey just tried to crawl further inside the bigger turkey.

You sent a wang out and got a wang back.

Lily: It's a booma-wang.
Robin: Nice,
Lily: Thanks.
Robin: No I meant the wang.

Look, I hate most babies, but your baby; I'm going to love that kid so much. I'm going to pick it up and everything.

Barney: SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.
Robin: Aaaand nope!

Robin: You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Barney: I live for the dance
Robin: Get your other hand, off my ass.
Barney: Sorry, sorry.

I didn't realize you were small potatoes, and to be clear I am referring to your testicles.

Robin: God, your nose is bleeding like a faucet
Randy: Yeah, I'm sorry this happens every time I get an erection.

'This just in' is what I'm going to say when I'm stabbing you.

I'm going to kill you. I'm going to fly to Chicago, kill you, put your stupid face on a deep dish pizza and eat it. And then maybe catch a Bears game. But mostly the killing and eating your face thing.

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.

Ted