We need to get Leslie something that erases the enormous emotional debt that has built up over years of this gift-giving imbalance.

Ron: Ben and a much larger Ann. She definitely loves Ann.
Ann: Awwwww.

So it learns information about me?

Ron: She's here.
Leslie: Who's here?
Ron: My ex-wife Tammy 2. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

Of all my coworkers he is one of a small number of whom I do not actively root against...uh, there I go again gettin' all sappy.

My first day of college my father dropped me off at the steel mill. He didn't think I should go to college, but I hitched a ride, enrolled, and learned a lot.

Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.

It is a beautiful night for the end of the world.

Leslie: If the world was ending tomorrow I'd want to be with him.
Ron: Well that's significant the problem is the world's not ending tomorrow.

Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

Ron: We have one activity planned: not getting killed.

Ron: Anyone find any mistakes?
April: Yeah, actually, in here it says that Pawnee is great, but in reality it's terrible.