Tammy: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.
Ron: So did I.

Ron: Tammy and I are in love, and we're going to start a family together. In fact. She's ovulating. So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.
Jerry: Wow, where you going?

It's too bad. I just taught her how to whittel. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.

I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch.

Tammy: A relationship? With whom?
Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
Tammy: Sounds like a real whore.

My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing OK. And if I am, she tries to [expletive] everything up.

Jack Cooper: It appears you have an overdue book.
Ron: Oh, do I?
Jack Cooper: It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micropenis.
Ron: Tammy.

Leslie: I think we should put Twilight in the time capsule.
Ron: Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdos.

Ron: I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.'s Diner. Home of the world's best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.

I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.

You are an unstoppable good idea machine!

Andy: Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy: No no no. Trust me. They have one that's called the meat tornado. Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron: You had me at meat tornado.