Parks and Recreation

Ron Swanson Quotes (Page 18)

Ron: Look, Tammy and I don't work. We are oil and water. Or oil and TNT and C4 and a detonator and a butane torch.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ron: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare in the eye of Satan's butt hole?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Leslie: I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy, so I was hoping that there was one you got along with and...
Ron: Nope. Hate 'em both.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ron: On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Leslie: Does she have any weaknesses?
Ron: No.
Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ron: Ann, do you have any Mounds? Because all I can find are Almond Joys. And almonds give me the squirts.
 • Rating: Unrated

Leslie: Hey, can I smoke in here?
Ron: You don't smoke.
Leslie: Just askin' if I can.
Ron: Are you high?
Leslie: I'm high on kaboom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ron: I've established a scientifically perfect, ten-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. 10 is tennis legend Steffi Graf.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Leslie: We have a criminal emergency on our hands. Someone planted a gateway drug in the community garden.
Ron: Call the cops.
Leslie: Then it will leak to the press. Then there will be an investigation, and they'll find my fingerprints on the manure, and then we'll lose our funding.
Ron: You don't have funding.
Leslie: We never will if this gets out.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Leslie: Ron! Did you get my text?
Ron: No.
Leslie: Did you get my email?
Ron: Mmm.
Leslie: Did you see that I paged you?
Ron: I did not.
Leslie: Did you get my voicemail?
Ron: I didn't.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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